Friday, October 30, 2009

An Aborted Relationship: Trying Too Damned Hard

We had such an awesome, fun, invigorating first date. This doesn't happen on first dates. Like, ever. Connections on levels of mind and humor and openness and affection--heady stuff!

Then follow-up texts and IMs and e-mails in a massive flurry. Not talking on the phone, I don't like phone conversations much. Something about the lack of body language makes the diembodied voice less comfortable than words on a screen, for one who writes easily.

I zoomed down pathways of thought that didn't jibe with her. Not seeing the widening disconnect--no moment-to-moment dialogue for course correction. Then, a collision and instant sudden fatigue from the stress of what bewilderingly turned into instant, distasteful drama.

Damn. damndamndamndamndamndamn.

I feel sad and guilty and ashamed. Not that I did anything malicious or hurtful or even rude. But I'd stumbled headlong into being tedious and distasteful, and completely spoiled the promise of a remarkable, lovely relationship. Trying too damned hard. Way too hard.

Shit. shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshtishitshit.

It's sad. Because I know how hard it can be to face life's challenges alone, how much easier and happier life is with a good life partner. I know from experience that a good life partner can help me be a happier, healthier, more effective person. I know from experience that I can help a partner in the same way.

Failed beginnings are common. There wouldn't be anything special in this failure except the start seemed so great. And "great" doesn't mean "fall instantly and insanely in love." No, it means seeing myself and another in a realistic vision of shared joy and laughter and personal growth--likely with a lot less pain and grief than most relationships. An exceptional match that not only felt right with the heart, but looked right with the mind.

This, an aborted beginning of a hugely promising relationship, for the second time in a year. Sigh. I'd give up on trying and join a monastery, except I'm virtually already in one. I'm well-versed in making lemonade when life throws lemons. But what to do with bitter ashes?

1 comment:

  1. Aww man, that sucks...I had times where I started, endured and ended a relationship without knowing "what happened?" LOL

    My advice would be to function within a modality of which you would ultimately prefer. That way you will attract (and would able to stay with) the right person. There is a person out there who hates talking on the phone as much as you do.

    By the way, I love the "Shit shitshitshitshit"! Hilarious!